I’m not allowed to miss you because you were never mine and that makes my heart hurt a little bit because when things were good you were one of the best friends I’ve ever had and somehow you got me and my psychosis and that was just a really nice thing in my life
yeah okay we all know that I should have left that school freshman year because I don’t fit in and it’s way too hard but it’s a little late to still be yelling at me about it. I have one more semester left before I graduate and yeah it’s been rough but can you stop yelling at me? I know my choices are sooooo limited because of my horrible grades and I’m taking responsibility for that because I’m going to be okay wherever I end up so please stop acting like it’s the end of the world because I don’t regret anything. yeah so maybe I didn’t work as hard as I should have in class, but I learned more about myself and how to finally reach happiness and that’s more important than getting into a sorority okay? four years ago I thought I was going to kill myself before I even made it to sophomore year, let alone college. but here I am. I stopped cutting, I started eating healthily again, I put myself out there and stopped living in fear of what ifs. I’m not the happiest I’ve ever been right now but that’s okay too. just let me make my choices and let me deal with the consequences. it’s going to be okay.
the irony of this situation is not lost on me. last year, you were the wrong boy in the right place at the right time. this year, you were the right boy but you were 5 minutes late and god if only you knew how badly I wanted to kiss you instead of him maybe the night would have ended differently. maybe it could have been your body I woke up tangled up in, your arms around me instead of his.
but now you’re angry at me for kissing someone else but you didn’t have to go and hook up with a girl that hooked up with even more people than I did last night. god. this is fucked up. I just want to know that we’re still friends at least. please don’t let this be a repeat of last year. please.
"I don’t know which is sharper: your collarbones or your tongue."
help i forgot how to be happy again
I can’t help but think that I was never supposed to make it this long, that I’m living on borrowed time. Maybe that’s why my priorities are kind of different than my friends’. I don’t know how to prepare for a future that I never planned on having in the first place.
But how do I tell people that when they ask why I still don’t have a clue as to what I’m doing next year? How do I tell them that I’m still just taking it one day at a time, that so much can and will still change between now and then?
Nine months is a long time. It’s a really fucking long time.
it hurt more than anything, but i craved every second of it.
self-sabotage is pretty much the only thing I’m good at these days
that book put my emotions into words so perfectly and made it seem so logical and rational and Sylvia Plath is my hero
everyone always says that I show up at exactly the right time in their lives and end up “saving” them. which is great and all I’m glad that I’m doing something worthwhile but where’s my rescue? why does no one ever come to save me? what am I doing wrong here?
why can’t I just kiss boys that don’t have the capability of hurting me later
wow its been three days since we exchanged “i miss you’s” at 2am over snapchat and you’ve already taken your old permanent residence in my head.
(even though we haven’t spoken since then)
(even though you were probably drunk when you sent it to me)
(i wish you meant it)
(and i miss you more than i would ever be willing to admit)
(i hope you’re okay these days)
(i still worry)
AKA YEAH I CARE BUT I HAVE WAY TOO MUCH PRIDE THAT I CAN’T EVEN ADMIT IT TO MY BEST FRIEND WOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
but seriously, who died and made you the expert? last time I checked, you’ve never flown a day in your life. so shut the fuck up and let me do my fucking job because I’m literally so done with how you are acting and how you are treating everyone that if you bitch at me one more time I will literally kick you in the face and glue your hair in knots
Have I done something in the past month to offend whatever higher power there may be? Have I really pissed these gods off so much that they feel the need to keep throwing cosmic shit at me literally every single day? Because in the past month alone, I have gotten in two wrecks, I got knocked out of a stunt by another flyer and ended up with a concussion, I got caught drinking when I came home from a boy’s house (my parents also have made it so crystal clear that they hate him too), and my SAT score dropped 40 points. Oh, and I have this major hickey on my neck that isn’t going away and I have my senior pictures on Thursday.
And now I’m just trying to watch some Netflix in my bed at 4am on a Tuesday night and I get attacked by this massive bug and its somewhere in my room now and I’m afraid to fall asleep so I’m just going to keep watching Private Practice and I’m also going to pray that I don’t get attacked by a flying monster any time soon.