I actually hate you for giving me so much hope and that’s not fair because you don’t realize how much pain I’ve allowed you to cause me and that’s my own fault and I should know better than to let you back into my life but oh man oh man I can’t fight you and I don’t know why and I actually hate it
I wish you meant what you said. I don’t think you even understand how much I wish we could go back to how we used to be. but then I wonder if I’ve totally romanticized what we had because there’s no way I could have been that happy yet so miserable at the same time. All I know is that these past 8 months have been the best and worst ever. and I don’t know if that’s because of you or not. ugh
I’m also doing that thing where I compulsively listen to noise rock for hours on end which really just hurts my head right now because its so loud and in your face but its the only thing that’s keeping me focused and awake so yeah just another day in the life
I had a dream last night about meeting this boy this sweet and beautiful boy that listened to obscure rock music and had a tattoo of an arrow on his arm and instead of pushing him away like I normally do I let him hold me while I cried and then I woke up from this wonderful dream and I was all alone and now I’m just sad.
I think the only reason I want you is because you stopped wanting me and man oh man I hate feeling like this
and I know that I sound stupid and shallow and weak right now but pretending to be strong and resilient and confidant is SO exhausting and I just want to be held okay so let me be pathetic that’s what teenage girls with stupid crushes are supposed to act like when they realize how idiotic they’ve been acting
everyone is totally right I probably shouldn’t be hooking up with random guys and drinking so much but it’s just that if I don’t distract myself somehow, I’m going to start thinking about him and how he’s obviously not interested anymore and that hurts way more than I thought it ever would so I’m just lonely and I miss the attention and I’m so so scared of being alone so that’s where the booze and the boys come in and I don’t know if I can apologize for trying to stop caring because the alternative is far far worse
nope i am not going to do this again i am better than this
you can’t just keep doing this. I’m not your therapist. I don’t have the answers that you’ve been looking for. I want to help i really do but I also want to be more than just who you call when you’re about to relapse.
I’m worth more than that.
I don’t even know what happened to me. I haven’t felt this low in months and I’m doing that thing where I push everyone away and retreat further into myself until I can barely have a conversation without snapping at someone because even a little simple human interaction seems like too much effort and I just feel so numb inside which should terrify me but instead I just feel dead.
I am turning into a ghost again. and I don’t know how to stop or even how to ask for help. especially how to ask for help. asking for help is basically admitting weakness and I am not weak. just dead.
I slept with the wrong person last night and I’m having some maaaaaajor regrets (even though technically all we did was sleep because even drunk maddy has rules) and now that person is trying to make it happen again and I can’t even bring myself to accept his friend request does that make me an awful person because honestly I think it does…
I never fell for you. I fell for the idea of you in my head.
And those people are very, very different from each other.
okay this is ridiculous just because I passed out in the shower does not mean I need to go to the ER where we have to pay some unnecessary amount of money for a couple of bored doctors to tell us that I am sleep deprived, underweight, and dehydrated.
All of which you would know if you had paid any attention to me whatsoever over the past few weeks. But you were too busy yelling at me for things I have no control over.
this is stupid. take me home. i have seasons of grey’s anatomy to finish.
you make my heart hurt and my head hurt and I don’t know why I keep coming back to you even though you treat me like shit I just wish I knew what to do about you
I’m going insane over here and I’m only making it worse by not taking care of myself.
4 more tests. 3 days. almost there.