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everyone always says that I show up at exactly the right time in their lives and end up “saving” them. which is great and all I’m glad that I’m doing something worthwhile but where’s my rescue? why does no one ever come to save me? what am I doing wrong here?

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why can’t I just kiss boys that don’t have the capability of hurting me later

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wow its been three days since we exchanged “i miss you’s” at 2am over snapchat and you’ve already taken your old permanent residence in my head.

(even though we haven’t spoken since then)

(even though you were probably drunk when you sent it to me)

(i wish you meant it)

(and i miss you more than i would ever be willing to admit)

(i hope you’re okay these days)

(i still worry)

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AKA YEAH I CARE BUT I HAVE WAY TOO MUCH PRIDE THAT I CAN’T EVEN ADMIT IT TO MY BEST FRIEND WOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

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but seriously, who died and made you the expert? last time I checked, you’ve never flown a day in your life. so shut the fuck up and let me do my fucking job because I’m literally so done with how you are acting and how you are treating everyone that if you bitch at me one more time I will literally kick you in the face and glue your hair in knots

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Have I done something in the past month to offend whatever higher power there may be? Have I really pissed these gods off so much that they feel the need to keep throwing cosmic shit at me literally every single day? Because in the past month alone, I have gotten in two wrecks, I got knocked out of a stunt by another flyer and ended up with a concussion, I got caught drinking when I came home from a boy’s house (my parents also have made it so crystal clear that they hate him too), and my SAT score dropped 40 points. Oh, and I have this major hickey on my neck that isn’t going away and I have my senior pictures on Thursday.

And now I’m just trying to watch some Netflix in my bed at 4am on a Tuesday night and I get attacked by this massive bug and its somewhere in my room now and I’m afraid to fall asleep so I’m just going to keep watching Private Practice and I’m also going to pray that I don’t get attacked by a flying monster any time soon.

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I actually hate you for giving me so much hope and that’s not fair because you don’t realize how much pain I’ve allowed you to cause me and that’s my own fault and I should know better than to let you back into my life but oh man oh man I can’t fight you and I don’t know why and I actually hate it

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I wish you meant what you said. I don’t think you even understand how much I wish we could go back to how we used to be. but then I wonder if I’ve totally romanticized what we had because there’s no way I could have been that happy yet so miserable at the same time. All I know is that these past 8 months have been the best and worst ever. and I don’t know if that’s because of you or not. ugh

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I’m also doing that thing where I compulsively listen to noise rock for hours on end which really just hurts my head right now because its so loud and in your face but its the only thing that’s keeping me focused and awake so yeah just another day in the life

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I had a dream last night about meeting this boy this sweet and beautiful boy that listened to obscure rock music and had a tattoo of an arrow on his arm and instead of pushing him away like I normally do I let him hold me while I cried and then I woke up from this wonderful dream and I was all alone and now I’m just sad.

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I think the only reason I want you is because you stopped wanting me and man oh man I hate feeling like this

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and I know that I sound stupid and shallow and weak right now but pretending to be strong and resilient and confidant is SO exhausting and I just want to be held okay so let me be pathetic that’s what teenage girls with stupid crushes are supposed to act like when they realize how idiotic they’ve been acting

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everyone is totally right I probably shouldn’t be hooking up with random guys and drinking so much but it’s just that if I don’t distract myself somehow, I’m going to start thinking about him and how he’s obviously not interested anymore and that hurts way more than I thought it ever would so I’m just lonely and I miss the attention and I’m so so scared of being alone so that’s where the booze and the boys come in and I don’t know if I can apologize for trying to stop caring because the alternative is far far worse

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nope i am not going to do this again i am better than this

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you can’t just keep doing this. I’m not your therapist. I don’t have the answers that you’ve been looking for. I want to help i really do but I also want to be more than just who you call when you’re about to relapse.
I’m worth more than that.